befuddled

Well, Adam and I are about to talk to our kids for the first time. Yep, in two short hours. I wish I could say I am a ball of emotions or completely beside myself. In all honesty, I feel nothing. I know I still hold on to thoughts of self-preservation that have guarded me through the past four years. I know I need to let go and feel. But it is difficult. I am still quite sure that at any moment our adoption will fall out from under us. And that is what keeps me protecting my heart.

I do cry sometimes when I walk into their bedrooms or think about the pain that has been a part of their lives. I have cried over the overwhelming generosity and support of friends and family. But I do not think I have cried for joy yet–you know that tender feeling that comes with the thought “I am finally a mother.” I think that will happen when I am in Colombia, but probably not until the judge has signed the papers. Or maybe it will happen once we have boarded the plane for Las Vegas. I’m not sure when, but I know it will happen–someday!

At the behest of a sweet friend, we will set up cameras to capture the moment this afternoon. Perhaps, you will even be able to catch a glimpse of their faces–not really sure how it will work. We will update as much as we can on the situation this evening.