will i love them the same?

I, like many adoptive parents, have been asked if I think I will love my children the same as I would a biological child. I recently came to the conclusion that my initially reactive answer “Of Course, I Will” does not honor my role as mother, biological or adoptive. My new, more methodical answer “Of Course Not!” reflects the true feelings of my heart. How could I love a child that I created, protected and birthed the same as a child I searched out, agonized over and paid thousands of dollars for? My biological and adoptive journeys only mirror each other in one way–and that is that they both could potentially lead to motherhood. That is the only similarity.

But what I think people are really asking is “will I love them as much?” I would be a big fat liar to say that I never thought this might be an issue in the beginning. In fact, Adam and I agonized over this very topic when discussing what race, ethnicity, and disability level we might consider. And anyone who reads this blog knows that I desperately want to create a successful life with my husband, regardless of our adoption. To this second question I answer unequivocally, “Yes, I will love them as much!” Too many tiny moments of mercy have occurred for me to think otherwise.

I KNOW this specific adoption is meant for Adam and I. There is no doubt. And if this adoption is heaven-sent, how could I love these children any less? My children are just as much a gift from God as if he swaddled them in my womb. Although I crave to create life, I am blessed to understand that love is not born in the creation of a relationship. Love is born in the maturation of it.


I struggled writing this post more than any other so far. I wanted to get my thoughts down perfectly before publishing so it’s been sitting in my inbox for a week now. While driving today I had one of my favorite adoption songs playing. As I was singing, a flood of warmth filled my body and it hit me that the song is EXACTLY echoed what I was trying to put into my own words. So here are the lyrics to Do You Love Me as Your Own (between child and mother):

I am not flesh of your flesh. I am not bone of your bone.

One question burns in my heart, something I have never known.

I’ve been so afraid to ask you, but my need to know has grown.

Do you love me as your own?

A mother carries her baby warm inside of her.

She feels the motion, she knows he’s growing, her heart is stirred.

And they bond together for now and ever.

She’d give her life for him, that’s the way God planned it. 

I understand it, and that’s how love begins.

But I’m not flesh of your flesh, I’m not bone of your bone.

One question burns in my heart, something I have never known.

I’ve been so afraid to ask you, but my need to know has grown.

Do you love me as your own?

A woman longs for a baby warm inside of her.

She hopes and hungers, and often wonders if prayers are heard.

And a new door opens when she learns someone will give her child to them.

Then her heart goes crazy for this sweet baby, and that’s how love begins.

You are not flesh of my flesh. You are not bone of my bone.

But you are heart of my heart…something I have always known.

Every heart beat bears a witness, every act of love has shown.

Yes, I love you as my own. Yes, my child, you are my own!

—-From “Do you Have a Little Love to Give?”–adoption inspired (Janice Kapp Perry) 


I am not a mami yet, but I love my brown-haired, brown-eyed Colombian munchkins, as if they were my own. My heart sings when I get news. My heart aches when I don’t. And I would give my life for them to have a better one! That tells me that I love them as much and more…


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