There is only one thing I want my friends and family to truly understand about miscarriage: The loss of a pregnancy is akin to experiencing the death of a loved one. We who continue to miscarry go through the grieving and mourning process just the same–every time. The anniversaries of the losses and the would-be due dates are just as difficult. It wears us down and burdens our hearts. And although we pick ourselves up and move through the pain, in some form it always remains.
I have waited to post the following video link out of respect to my sweet friend. In addition to the Tears and Hope video, I have also posted some other resources that she and her husband find valuable to their journey. They are very brave for taking this step. It is a difficult step to take, and Adam and I respect them all the more for it. We support them on their journey, wherever that leads. And we are honored to be a part of it.
There are many friends out there who have asked for help in understanding, and I so appreciate their love and support. I recognize their efforts, and hope that what I have posted below will help them a little more. I plead with every visitor to please watch both videos!!!
A wonderful video, Tears and Hope, created as part of the Infertility Awareness Project.
A music video, I Would Die for That, written and performed by a fabulous singer who struggled to conceive a child.
Things We Wish We Could Tell People about Infertility – One version is listed below (When you see “I” please consider it as “we”) or you can find an official version here:
- I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask what you can do to help. I wish that you would not stop calling or asking questions just because you don’t know what to say.
- If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
- I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
- I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
- Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
- I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
- I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls and if it was as simple as you think you think it is, we would have found it already.
- Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something “wrong.” It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.
- I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.
- I wish you could see that the goal is not to “get pregnant.” It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.
- I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weightsleep all the time or not at allwant to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
- My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I become withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
- It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings. I wish you would let me tangle with my opinions and beliefs without making me feel guilty. I wish you would not classify this struggle as a simple matter of faith and belief.
I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”maybe you will still like me.
- I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them but our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.
- I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things like pregnancies and/or baby showers. Infertility does not make us bad people, just people in pain.
- I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that to guide your support. Ask yourself the same questions you turn on me, “Why don’t YOU JUST…?”
We hope everyone benefits from this. –rach and adam
Those videos brought tears to my eyes! I need a tissue. And thank you for sharing this in the most perfect way ever!
Yep, tears for me too. Sigh…that was such a great song with a good message. Thanks for sharing those! Reminds me to be thankful. Loved the shower tonight- thanks for the fun!
It helps us to understand. I am so glad that we were able to share this sweet video!
We certainly aren’t alone in our quest, are we?
Hi! My name is Nicole and I wanted to introduce myself! I came across your blog awhile back and would like to say congratulations on your new additions and best wishes as you travel! We adopted our son from BogotÃ¡, Colombia last year April and spent a wonderful month there. We live in Las Vegas and I read that you will be living here! We haven’t met anyone else here locally that has a Colombian connection.
Feel free to email and again, congrats!!
Hi, I just ran across your blog and it has touched me very much. We have also suffered very much during the last four years, with four miscarriages with no apparent reason, including the last an ectopic pregnancy that we had to terminate. I felt very identified by your feelings since one of the worst things about the pain is feeling that you are alone and no one understands how you feel, and feel guilty for hating others who have big bellies and get pregnant just by sneezing (and don’t lose it). We are adopting a baby from Colombia, hoping for our referral any day now, since my husband is Colombian we are very fortunate that it is quite fast. But still can’t wait for the wait to be over. I always worry that even though the grief has been overcome, it is always inside, and I really hope that it does not interfere with our ability to be the best parents… it is just so complex.
Anyway thanks for sharing and good luck in COlombia, it is beautiful I am sure you will have a wonderful journey to your kids.