I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven’t done that in a really long time. There are lots of bad days for us Infertiles. 🙂 I hadn’t had one for awhile, until this past week. The whole week seemed like a bad day. It caught me off-guard and sent me reeling. Those of us on infertile ground are all too familiar with this scenario:
Adam and I joined our friends in Zion this past week. It was fun and relaxing, and I would do it all again tomorrow. Having said that, I have never, until now, spent significant time with my friends’ children in close quarters. It was more difficult than expected. I am usually pretty good at keeping it together and staying rational, but I was on the verge of tears more times than I could count this last week. I cried a little on Saturday morning, and I couldn’t bear to pay attention to sweet baby Paige, but I did okay on the group hike and everything after.
Sunday came though and hit me like a ton of bricks. I was sitting by Valerie at church who had Paige nestled on her lap all cuddly and pink–cooing and smiling at her mommy. I looked down the line and could see Adona playing on her daddy’s lap. And in the middle of it all was me totally feeling sorry for myself. I was trapped! My sweet husband held my hand and I cried for a long time. I completely lost it during the musical number. I am really grateful for the song though. As I sat and listened to the sweet words about the Savior and his suffering and sacrifice, I found a bit of strength.
I am not perfectly strong, but I am strong enough! I decided at church to keep approaching life as I have the past couple of years–and that is to go straight through the problem, not around it or over it or under it. It is not baby Paige’s fault that she was born. (Duh, I know…it is especially not her fault that she has a crazy Aunt Rachel.) So I cried a little more with my friends after church, and I held baby Paige at dinner. She and I even went on a little walk together. I know Val wants me to pay attention to her kids. Her children are her gifts, and they should be celebrated.
And let me be clear, my friends did nothing wrong. They said nothing insensitive. They didn’t thrust their children into my lap, or ask me to feed them. They were kind and open and compassionate. The simple fact is, they have given birth and I have not. They have had the experience of carrying life inside of them. They have felt a little baby kick and move and squirm in their bellies. They have succeeded in the great miracle of bearing life! And the fact remains that I have NOT.
The closer the adoption gets, the more I think about wanting a successful pregnancy. Isn’t that weird? I guess it’s to be expected. There is no doubt about our adoption. There is no hesitation or melancholy in my mind. I want my children home with me now! (and they will be very soon) But I have realized in the last few weeks that our adoption will never replace our experience with infertility. At first I felt guilty about this because I don’t want my children to think they are second best. They are NOT! Having said that, I would never ever wish the hopelessness of infertility on them. I pray fervently that my children never have to experience the despair that I have felt. I want them to experience having a child with their spouses–it’s silly to think anything else. And that makes me feel better. Our adoption and our infertility are tied together in so many ways, but not in this way!
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a baby, but I would like to think that a newborn would also never replace the last four years of experience. It is painful and heart-wrenching. Some mornings it makes me want to pull the covers over my face and never get up–for real. However, my experience with infertility blesses me. I feel more aware of myself. I will soon be able to truly taste of the exquisite joy of my four children. And if I am ever blessed with the experience of a newborn baby, I will appreciate him or her all the more.
The bitter really does help us savor the sweet!!!
Hugs to you. It’s okay to still want a baby. 🙂 Love you.
Thanks for sharing! I cannot pretend to understand what you all have been going through, but it does help me to be more understanding when things are shared. Thanks 🙂
You are such a good writer! It’s like a good book that I don’t want to put down. Yep, it’s ok to have bad days…it’s ok. Thanks for being so open about your hurt! And then you have my dumb comment about quadruplets. I am so sorry! Dumb, dumb, dumb. I like the way you are open and willing to feel the pain. You have been honest in your feelings and that is what gets you through the pain (and not around it, like you say). All i know is this: I have 4 good friends who tried and tried and tried for years (I am talking like 7+ years) and never lost hope. I really really thought they were not going to be able to carry children. They now have kids and the kids came very close together when they were least expecting it. They were miracles. And then those stories of adoption and then birth children, I know you have heard those over and over. I guess none of those comments help either. Just keep doing what you are doing- I have a feeling those brown babies of yours will have a little white baby to love down the road. That is just how I feel even though I probably just stuck my foot in my mouth again. I don’t want to be one of those people, “why don’t you just…” 🙂
You know how much we love you and wish that things were different! I can’t help but look at Carter and think how unfair it is. How we should have had our babies grow and play together. How much of your pain I feel, even if I don’t completely understand. Every time I see awful and mean people with children I am bitter and wonder why this couldn’t have happened to them, not you.
I am sure that the Lord needed to get these four sweet children to you! I can’t wait to meet them! I hope that you will still want to be my friend even if my babies arrive a little smaller than yours. 🙂 You guys will be the greatest parents! I don’t know what else to say other than we Love You!!! Good luck!
YOU… have a bad day!?! Never! 🙂 I feel so privileged to have shared some of the bad days and the good days with you. I feel so impressed that you are willing to share your bad days openly. You inspire me yet again.