I hate it. It is not fair. It is not okay.
I do not think any miscarriage or baby loss is more emotionally painful than another. I do think, however, that miscarriage is especially painful for those who do not have any children. This is not because the loss of a child is buffered by the existing children. It is because the childless woman grieves not only for the actual physical loss, but also for the plan of being a mom soon. The emptiness of the home is exacerbated by this loss, making it all the more real and painful. This is especially true for those of us who have had multiple losses. It seems endless and it seems hopeless.
The suckiest part of baby loss isn’t the grieving. The introspection catapulted by loss can be quite therapuetic. The suckiest part is the ‘What Nows’. After miscarriage one no longer has an end-date for work, a reason to start on the nursery, the desire to thrust themself into the world of child speak with other mothers in their social circle.
Unfortunately, I still have no “I’m so grateful for this experience because” advice. I’ve tried to come up with some over the past few months as my latest miscarriage has seemed endless and pointless. I’m always thinking if I can find some good in an experience then maybe I can help someone else in the future. I’m always thinking that way, but this time nothing has come. I suppose the empathy from having gone through it is enough. But I want something brilliant, something deep. I suppose my understanding will have to do.
I am at peace with my latest experience. My hcg levels finally tested below 2 this past week and I’ve finally stopped spotting. Phew!!! It’s been over 12 weeks so I was getting a little worried. Looking back, I might have done a d&c, but then again maybe not. For me, there was fullfillment is completing this naturally. I think if I had seen a heartbeat and baby outline I might have felt differently. I am just glad it’s over!
So, I guess to sum it up, the most brilliant thing I can come up with is that miscarriage sucks!!!