flashes of infertility

Two Christmases ago we were in Washington when I found out that I was pregnant, again. It ended up being my most painful and prolonged miscarriage for many reasons. A truly horrible experience. Heck, I am still paying it off because we were uninsured for a brief time. Flashing forward to this Christmas…we headed back to Washington this holiday season. This time with four children in tow. YES! We had a wonderful experience. I found superior delight in watching my children glow with the magic of Christmas. Pure Joy.

It was only on Christmas Sunday, while sitting in the women’s meeting, that I was overcome with painful emotion. All the memories of two years ago… hope, pain, tears, sorrow, the “pins and needles” effect…it was all there playing over and over again during the 45 minute lesson. And I could not escape it. Talk about suffocating.

I had not been thinking about babies or pregnancies or miscarriages or anything of the sort. It just came to me, blindsiding me into emotional upheaval. All it took were a few familiar scents and sounds, emotional triggers if you will. For a few moments in time, I was overcome with anguish.

I guess the reason I am writing is to remind myself that it never goes away. Even when I think I have it beat or think it does not matter anymore. It does! Also, to say to others that it really does get easier. I shed a few private tears during those moments. But after I left the meeting, I was able to move on. Sure, I thought about it throughout the week that I was there, but I never let it paralyze me. I don’t even think I shared my thoughts with Adam. That tells me that it is definitely getting easier.

Of course, I am quite sure that if I didn’t have the ninos to fill up those empty mommy moments, my experience last Sunday would have been profoundly different. Another reason to be extra grateful this holiday season.


  1. Hi guys- I haven’t commented on here before, but I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now. Thank you for the excellent insight into Colombia adoptions! It’s definitely the country at the top of my list, and I was grateful for the realistic view. My husband and I live in Vail, Colorado and I wanted to extend an open invitation to you guys to visit if you like. We spend a lot of time outdoors here, there is so much to do. You seem pretty out going so I didn’t think this is too strange- sorry if it is, I don’t want to come off creepy! You guys also turned us onto the idea of canyoneering- we can’t wait to try it out this summer. If you’re interested feel free to e-mail me and we can talk, I’ll send you my blog so you can kind-of get to know me.

    Either way, your kids are such a blessing and they’ve filled my workdays with lots of giggles lately (I often laugh out loud at Wompy’s antics and my manager gives me strange looks) ^_^

    All the best,

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