Why is it that plans always change? Why is this one simple task of having children so difficult? This is not a “why me” question, just a why question. I am a woman…I am made to bear children. It is a gift and a birthright. And I also want to do it. I want to raise a family. I want to create a space that keeps some of God’s children warm and safe. So then, why is it that after 2-1/2 years of no pregnancies and finally having a solid secure direction in adoption do we find ourselves five weeks pregnant?

 I’m not sure where this will take us. We are hopeful and scared. Even though we’ve been here before, we’ve never had the element of a progressing adoption to deal with. It’s difficult for me because I want to be excited. Somehow, though, I feel if I get too excited I am betraying my committment to adoption. On the other hand, if I begrudge this blessing, I feel I am dooming it to failure. Our hearts will break if we have to leave our Colombia referral behind. Adam and I know in our hearts that we want to adopt no matter what comes of any pregnancies that bless our family. I’m just frustrated and anxious, and I’m somewhat waiting for ‘the other shoe to drop’ as they say.

There is an intense amount of guilt inside of me, and I’m still processing this shocking news myself. I guess time will tell. Every time I use the restroom or feel a cramp I fear the worst. I told a friend last night that I feel like Pavlov’s dog…I’ve been trained by experience to think this way. And yet, every time I look at my nephew I think of how wonderful it would be to see myself looking back at me in nine months.

What will be will be. I pray for grace to bless my soul so that I may deal with whatever comes of the pit stop.


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