I was sitting in my sister’s car waiting for her to drop Spence off at grandma Hirschi’s. While I was waiting for her, I saw her sister-in-law, Sandi, cleaning out her van. She is pregnant with her fifth child and starting to really show. Wade her youngest was tagging along beside her, Anna her next youngest was running in and out of the house, and her two oldest boys were in the backyard playing in the grass and dirt.
As I watched her walk back and forth, I had the instant reaction I always have. You know, the ‘I hate her’ reaction. I automatically turned away so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact and give a fake smile. This is always my first reaction whenever I see someone I know with a cute pregnant belly. Yeah, like ignoring the pregnancy will make it go away or something, right? Totally irrational! This time though I had an immediate follow-up thought, which was: ‘rach, it’s not her fault that you aren’t pregnant. And this is not her trial, it’s yours.’
The this is not her trial idea kept running through my head as I watched her busily take care of her family–all with a beautiful humble smile on her face. And the little voice that spoke to me is right, this is MY trial! I must continue to own it. Sandi’s trial is very different, I am sure. And I wouldn’t trade my trial for hers. I wouldn’t trade it with my friend Jes who lost her little baby just a few short months after waiting years and years for him. I wouldn’t trade my trial with her sister Nichole who lost her husband in her early thirties. I wouldn’t trade it with the myriad of other friends and acquaintances who’s trials are intense and difficult.
However hard my trial is–I wouldn’t trade it. Infertility has brought me and my husband to a higher level of respect and love for each other. It has guided me to a level of compassion and understanding for others that I never thought I was capable of. And my trial has, in essence, led me to my children. Why would I trade it?
In conclusion, my mind continues to war with others’ bellies, and it probably always will. As my understanding grows, however, the twinges of hurt lessen. Although the jealousy doesn’t go away, dealing with it does get easier. And after sitting in the Pathfinder watching Sandi work, I realized I still really really want to give birth to a child. I don’t think that will ever disappear.
Now if we could just do something about the bellies getting bigger……………..