I was sitting in my sister’s car waiting for her to drop Spence off at grandma Hirschi’s. While I was waiting for her, I saw her sister-in-law, Sandi, cleaning out her van. She is pregnant with her fifth child and starting to really show. Wade her youngest was tagging along beside her, Anna her next youngest was running in and out of the house, and her two oldest boys were in the backyard playing in the grass and dirt.
As I watched her walk back and forth, I had the instant reaction I always have. You know, the ‘I hate her’ reaction. I automatically turned away so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact and give a fake smile. This is always my first reaction whenever I see someone I know with a cute pregnant belly. Yeah, like ignoring the pregnancy will make it go away or something, right? Totally irrational! This time though I had an immediate follow-up thought, which was: ‘rach, it’s not her fault that you aren’t pregnant. And this is not her trial, it’s yours.’
The this is not her trial idea kept running through my head as I watched her busily take care of her family–all with a beautiful humble smile on her face. And the little voice that spoke to me is right, this is MY trial! I must continue to own it. Sandi’s trial is very different, I am sure. And I wouldn’t trade my trial for hers. I wouldn’t trade it with my friend Jes who lost her little baby just a few short months after waiting years and years for him. I wouldn’t trade my trial with her sister Nichole who lost her husband in her early thirties. I wouldn’t trade it with the myriad of other friends and acquaintances who’s trials are intense and difficult.
However hard my trial is–I wouldn’t trade it. Infertility has brought me and my husband to a higher level of respect and love for each other. It has guided me to a level of compassion and understanding for others that I never thought I was capable of. And my trial has, in essence, led me to my children. Why would I trade it?
In conclusion, my mind continues to war with others’ bellies, and it probably always will. As my understanding grows, however, the twinges of hurt lessen. Although the jealousy doesn’t go away, dealing with it does get easier. And after sitting in the Pathfinder watching Sandi work, I realized I still really really want to give birth to a child. I don’t think that will ever disappear.
Now if we could just do something about the bellies getting bigger……………..
I can tell where the focus of your life has switched to. You have begun to focus and prepare yourself for the adoption that is actually finally going to happen, instead of having to focus on the distractions that had to get you through the long wait. I am so excited and love that you are willing to share this amazing time of life with us.
ps maybe thats why I refuse to lose weight….this may be the only belly I get to carry 🙂
Soon it will be you cleaning out your car while you kids flush things down the toilet and play in the dirt! Bedtime stories, bathes, broken things and piles of laundry! You will be sooo busy! I can’t wait! It is so close now I could jump up and down!! Maybe I will!
I really do enjoy reading your thoughts and feelings through this whole process, It really puts everything in perspective and “kind-of” understand what your dealing with and how hard it must be..Yet how excited you are at the same time to finally get to be a mom-for which you’ve waited many many years to be sis! I can’t tell you enough how happy we are for you guys and can’t wait to have some awesome new neices and nephews! There gonna love us I just know it 😉
Oh my darling daughter, what a joy it brings to my soul to listen to your intermost joys and pains. I have appreciated your blog more than you will ever know. You have always kept your most precious thoughts inside. The love of your life, your white and shining armor, your dream come true, and most of all your forever soul mate has given you the strength to share outwardly your most private thoughts. I can’t begin to understand the pain you have gone through these few short years. I know just a tiny bit of pain because of my own difficult time in having you. How ironic isn’t it? I then felt somewhat of your pain as I lost my forth baby to a miscarriage. I want you to uderstand and in a few short weeks you will understand this statement “Your pain is my pain, your joy is my joy”. I am so blessed to call you daughter. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to be your mom, you are such an amazing woman, I only wish I can take all the credit, but we both know we have to include dad and now that certain someone called ADAM!
Reading your post and your mom’s comments make me want to cry. I’m also reminding myself that I prefer my current trials (Baby Z, living in Ely) to what my life might be like without my baby and husband. Life is never easy, no matter how much we want it to be.
“This is not her trial… it is mine.” I can barely begin to understand the journey you have taken to reach this point. Gosh, I love you!